Melania Trump’s Guide to being a great First Lady

 

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‘How to Get Ahead in Television’ was totally chuffed to get one of the only interviews with Mrs T in the run up to the inauguration. See below her tips on how to be a great first lady and an even better American.** 

Branding

The most important thing about being a great First Lady (or President) is having a name that doesn’t sound too foreign. If you have got any ‘j’s, ‘k’s or ‘v’s in your name, you might want to take them out. For example I was born Melanija, but I took out the J and look where I am now. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

For example:

Jennifer  becomes Ennifer

Beverley becomes Beerley

Флорентина, I’d just go straight for Barb.

 

Beautiful

Obviously to be a great First Lady you need to be media friendly and that means being beautiful (and thin). Just look at Claire Underwood, she is one of the greatest First Ladies this country has ever seen and she was by far the most stylish and beautiful. I hear you say, ‘Ah but Melania you are a model, you are lucky to be so naturally full of beauty’ but to that I say – everyone can improve their looks. I am naturally an A, but with a good blow-dry and the use of a good bronzer I have made myself an A+. Even if you are only a C+ with a little work you can probably make it to a B-, that’s what the American dream is all about. Life is a catwalk, and we all have to walk it.

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As my mother always used to say ‘You can’t buy pretty, but you can buy thin!’ I know you’re probably thinking ‘Hey, look Melania is so thin, I could never be like that, but trust me even I’ve had days I couldn’t do my jeans up. (see above! what a fatso!!) On these occasions where I don’t’ feel catwalk ready I just recite an old Slovenian mantra in my head ‘Tudi pitati gos prašič je tanka na dan, da je mrtev’ which roughly translates as ‘Even the fattened goose pig is thin on the day that it is dead.’ If that matra doesn’t work, I usually just do a couple of days on the Silver diet*. It really cleans out your bowels. The only downside is that it’s quite expensive so Donnie doesn’t like me doing it too often.

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Me on the Silver Diet*

(*Trade Mark pending)

 

Youth

Another important think about being a great First Lady and an even better American is to be young. When I first arrived in this country I was 26 and everyone told me that was too old to be a model! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. In Slovenia you would have to be at least 28 before you were considered old and disgusting. Anyway, I found myself being labeled this way and you know what I did? I got any older boyfriend. There is nothing that makes you look younger than going out with a man thirty years older than you. Just look how smooth and youthful my skin looks next to Donnie’s!

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( Another beauty tip for y’all –  three words; Bronzer, Bronzer, Bronzer. You can not wear too much, ever. I use actual  ground down purified bronze, it’s not the cheapest option but you get that authentic metallic finish.) 

 

Play Hard to Get

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(Me playing it cool and casual on one of my first dates with Donnie.) 

When I first met Donnie , he gave me his number and I didn’t call him for a week. THAT is how you get a ring on it ladies. People love people who are unavailable – FACT. So when diplomats call the White House or invite me to help their country with some economic problem or environmental natural disaster, I will be saying ‘don’t call us, we’ll call you’. That is how we’ll get the world to fall in love with us again.

 

Charity

 

Being a great first lady isn’t all about looks and youth (though a lot of it is). A major part of this job is to raise awareness for charity. People say I have a lot to live up to after Michelle, well to that I say my heart is as large has hers and my check book even larger (ha!) We have a saying in Slovenia “Dobrodelnost se začne, ko je krave krmijo in vsi čevlji pospravi” which roughly translates as “Charity begins when the cow has been fed and the shoes have been put away.” I said this to Donnie when we were discussing politicals and he said ‘the cow is America and illegal immigrants are the shoes” how we laughed!  Now I don’t want to say my charities are better than Michelle’s charities but I did have a dream where God told me he was a Republican and then he said ‘Melania – you are so good at the charities, I trust you to chose then best ones.’ One charity that is particularly close to my heart is the Police Athletics League. Who doesn’t want athletic and attractive policemen on the streets? There would be a lot less crime if the Police force were more attractive – FACT.

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(This is me taking some of last seasons jewels to a great charity I support called ‘Jewels for the Homeless’ …)

Setting a good example

The First Lady is first and foremost a role model. I am already a model but am I a good role model? I’d say yes. I am a great mother (never had a nanny) and a great wife (just ask Donnie) but I’m also a great citizen of the world. I buy the right products and economise on a personal level, which sets a good example to everyone else who has to live on a budget. So for example when we redecorated Barron’s nursery in New York, Donald was all -“do everything in gold! Gold door, gold cot, gold pram,” and I was the one who said “let’s do gold-plated, let’s save pure gold doors for when he’s old enough to appreciate them.” See, economising, you watch the pennies and the dollars take care of themselves.

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So that’s it, my guide to being an amazing First Lady. Wish me luck y’all and remember you voted for me! (well you voted for my husband, but he voted for me in the election of life so basically you voted for me.)

 

**NB Thoughts and opinions in this interview may not be shared by the real Mrs T…
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